Editor’s note: Previously published columns by Mike Sandrolini are being re-published periodically. This column was originally published in 2017.
I’m not the first to make this observation and won’t be the last: The holiday season seems to be thrusted on us earlier and earlier every year.
Retailers decking their display floors with holiday apparel in October is commonplace. This year, I spotted my first home lit up like the Las Vegas strip six days before Veterans Day.
Then, the next day—a mere week after closing the casket on Halloween—93.9 MY FM flipped the switch from its usual adult contemporary music format and became Chicago’s Christmas Station—a seemingly continuous loop of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” “Merry Christmas Darling,” “Last Christmas,” “Feliz Navidad,” “Jingle Bell Rock” (what is a jingle horse, by the way?) and Baby It’s Cold Outside (aka, the “hey Christmas Creeper, no means no” song) until Dec. 26.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a copy of my family tree, which proves I’m not a descendent of The Grinch. My favorite holiday song and movie, respectively, are “Please Come Home for Christmas by the Eagles and A Christmas Carol (1951). I also have my Christmas tree set up and I’m fine with Yuletide movies and songs (save for the nauseating aforementioned tunes) a few days leading up to Christmas—not for weeks on end.
But I grudgingly (Grinch-ingly?) concede that Chicago’s Christmas Station undoubtedly gives 93.9 FM a huge boost in ratings as well as to its bottom line. And judging from recent posts I’ve seen on Facebook, even gents like this station (though a man coming out on social media to express his fondness for The Holiday Lite may run him the risk of having his Man Card suspended for the rest of the year):
“I appreciate holiday music,” posted Scott.
“Me too Scott!” Rick gushed. “I would listen Sept. 1.”
Yet I can’t imagine Scott, Rick or any red-blooded American male would sit through any movie airing on the Hallmark Channel these days unless their spouse or significant other has somehow persuaded (or coerced?) them into doing so.
Touting its “Countdown to Christmas” lineup of “Holiday Movies All Day! All Night” every Saturday and Sunday night (with 21 all-new premiers), the Hallmark Channel has been showing holiday chick flicks (for lack of a better term) since well before Halloween night. Better mix yourself a strong egg nog before looking at the following titles:
The Mistletoe Promise, A Boyfriend for Christmas, A Bride for Christmas (how about a Bridezilla for Christmas? Your choice), A December Bride, Loving You Like Christmas, The Sweetest Christmas, Marry Me at Christmas (and the sequel? Divorce Me on New Year’s), My Christmas Dream, My Christmas Love, A Holiday Engagement, Matchmaker Santa, ’Tis the Season for Love, Hitched for the Holidays, Merry Matrimony and Snow Bride.
Snow Bride?
Alternative programming clearly is needed so we don’t go stir crazy with corny holiday romance movies and cheesy tunes like Cyndi Lauper’s “Christmas Conga” (“bonga, bonga, bonga”). Therefore, I suggest this list of cinema classics—each of which has a holiday setting or backdrop—that don’t require a box of Kleenex:
Die Hard—Nothing ushers in peace on Earth better than detective John McClane almost singlehandedly thwarting the evil Hans Gruber and Gruber’s international terrorist ring while rescuing dozens of hostages—one of whom happens to be his wife (how’s that for a holiday love story?!).
Rocky IV—Rocky fights superhuman heavyweight boxer Ivan Drago (spoiler alert: he vill lose!) in the old Soviet Union, then wins a hostile crowd (and the Politburo) over with a moving speech and wishes his son (who’s watching the fight from home) a Merry Christmas.
Iron Man 3—Happy holidays from Tony Stark!
Jaws: The Revenge—People are getting ready for the holidays on Amity Island … but all Mr. Sharkie wants for Christmas is to sink more than his two front teeth into unsuspecting victims.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation—Everything that can possibly go wrong does go wrong for the Griswold family during Christmastime.
Christmas with the Kranks—Luther and Nora Krank decide to take a Caribbean cruise and skip Christmas after their daughter takes off for a Peace Corps assignment. Their plans don’t sit well with the neighbors, who think they have become Mr. and Mrs. Scrooge.
Batman Returns—There’s nothing quite like a Christmas tree lighting ceremony in Gotham City.
Lethal Weapon—Riggs and Murtaugh stop a heroin-smuggling operation; then Riggs celebrates Christmas with Murtaugh’s family.
And if you need a break from those endless covers of “Winter Wonderland” on 93.9 FM (have you noticed that “a circus clown” has replaced Parson Brown over the years?) I highly recommend ordering a CD of either Bob Rivers’ Twisted Christmas or Bob Rivers’ White Trash Christmas from Amazon.com
The Twisted Christmas and White Trash Christmas albums feature parodies of holiday favorites. Sample tunes: “Wreck the Malls,” “The 12 Pains of Christmas,” and “Have Yourself an Ozzy Little Christmas.”
My favorite Bob Rivers parody? “It’s the Most Fattening Time of the Year”—a side effect of the holiday season to which most everyone can relate, unless you have sworn off Who pudding, Who roast beast and/or the entire Who feast.
If Marie Osmond starts promoting “Mr. Grinch’s 30-day post-holiday diet” on an infomercial around the first of the year, remember, you saw it here first.
